Pretty Girls and Pointy Things
by Renaerys
Summary: "I could dirty talk you under the table." Suigetsu and Ino. Torture and Interrogation, obviously.


Pretty Girls and Pointy Things  
Rating: T  
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.  
World: Post-canon  
Notes: I originally posted this on Tumblr awhile back. SuiIno is one of my favorite pairings. Since I haven't updated any Naruto stuff for awhile, I thought I'd post this one-shot for those who haven't read it yet. Some violence, but nothing too bad. Enjoy!

* * *

For as long as he'd lived, Suigetsu had been That Other Dude. The one girls asked to hold their shopping bags so they could admire themselves in the mirror. The one they asked to buy them a drink for the sake of drinking, not because they wanted to_talk. _The one they went through to get to Prince Charming. Mangetsu had been popular with women before he croaked. Sasuke was worse.

The girls in Konoha were…eh. They all looked at Suigetsu like he might eat them. All they had to do was _ask_. With Juugo undergoing psychiatric therapy, Karin running around with Hyuuga Neji's ANBU team tracking down the bad guys, and Sasuke stuck behind a desk in Tactics, Suigetsu often found himself without anyone to talk to. He'd never liked being alone, not since he'd spent years in a dark basement in Sound.

So when the Hokage threw a pair of rubber gloves at him and ordered him to report to Torture and Interrogation, Suigetsu was beyond giddy.

"You're paying me to cut people?"

"You're not getting paid."

Details.

His first day was boring as shit. Something about _orientation. _

_The knee bone's connected to the thigh bone, the thigh bone's connected to the hip bone~_

"Who cares?" he asked the bespectacled Chuunin instructor. "Not like I'm here to put people back _together_."

When they finally let him in with a prisoner, Suigetsu made a show of slipping on his yellow rubber gloves. The prisoner, a Suna missing nin who'd been accused of raping and murdering a Leaf kunoichi, glared at him. _What could some punk kid do?_

"He's all yours, kid," Anko said, although she didn't leave the room.

Anko was cool in that sane lunatic sort of way. She'd known Orochimaru back in the day, and like Suigetsu she'd never been the same. He caught her licking a dirty kunai after she'd used it on a prisoner his first day and nearly asked her out right then and there. She had that fuck-off-or-I'll-castrate-you vibe. On second thought, better not to get involved.

Suigetsu whistled tunelessly as he chose his weapon: a serrated hand saw. He took his time.

"Oi, shut up."

Violet eyes shifted to the prisoner, and Suigetsu ceased his whistling for just a moment. When nothing further was said, he resumed.

"I said can it, asshole."

Suigetsu frowned in mock hurt. "Aw, you don't like my song?"

The bound Suna nin said nothing.

"Oh! Hah, how silly of me. 'Course you don't like it because you don't know it, right? Lemme teach you."

He took the saw to the prisoner's ankle, and the screams began.

"The ankle bone's connected to the leg bone~"

Anko called from the opposite wall, "Ready to talk yet?"

The Suna nin hyperventilated, sweat gathering on his brow as he tried to mask his pain. Blood flowed freely from his ankle stump.

"Leg bone's connected to the knee bone~"

_Crunch crunch crunch._

The prisoner screamed and Suigetsu whistled the tune in time to his sawing. The guy never did talk.

* * *

"Suigetsu, you're up."

Suigetsu stretched like a cat and moseyed to Interrogation Room B. Fully expecting to get right down to business as usual, he was surprised to find two people in the room: the convict and a girl sitting across the table from him.

A very _pretty _girl.

"Uh, am I interrupting?"

The girl opened her eyes, released the prisoner's hands, and stood. She blinked, having only then taken notice of Suigetsu.

"Nope, you're just in time," she said, flipping her bangs.

Long, blonde hair and longer legs. Suigetsu walked toward her.

"Suigetsu," he said, thrusting a hand forward.

She didn't offer her own hand in return. "I know who you are."

"Hey, don't leave a guy hanging, babe."

She looked at him over her shoulder from the doorway and smirked. "Call me 'babe' again and I'll make a necklace out of your teeth."

She left and Suigetsu just stared. The prisoner actually had to call out to him to remind him he had a job to do. Chuckling to himself, he skipped over to the stainless steel table and twirled a kunai around a finger, suddenly in a good mood.

"Hey man, you think I got a chance with her?"

The prisoner spat in his face and Suigetsu slowly wiped the spittle away with the back of his hand.

"You're right. I should probably ask her name first."

He jammed the kunai through the prisoner's hand, sighing as the guy's screams filled the room.

* * *

"I said no."

"Come on."

"_No, _Suigetsu."

"I'm paying."

Ino cut herself off before she could turn him down for the umpteenth time. "…Fine. But no fast food."

Suigetsu grinned. "I like to take things nice and slow."

She laughed. Not because he was funny, but because he'd tried and failed. "You're an idiot."

"I like it when you talk dirty."

"I could dirty talk you under the table."

"Oooh, we got a table right here. I'm game if you are."

When she laughed this time, he liked to think it was because she _did _think he was funny. "I'm not getting under any tables with you when we haven't even sat across one yet."

"Tonight. Eight o'clock. I'll pick you up."

"What, are you going to surf to my apartment? I don't think so. I'll meet you at the restaurant." She waved her hand in dismissal and walked away. "And don't forget: you're paying!"

* * *

Suigetsu had never met anyone who talked more than he did until Ino. She always had something to say when others couldn't find the words or the energy, though she hardly ever talked about herself. Everyone liked her, but not many knew much about her. He'd tried asking Sakura about her, but Sakura was usually too busy with her hospital duties to spare more than a couple minutes at a time. Karin had become close with Ino since Taka settled down in Konoha, but talking to Karin was like swallowing knives. Not that Suigetsu minded sharp objects, but even he had his limits.

What he did know about Ino: She was gorgeous; she was smart as fuck; and she gave him the time of day.

"Can I touch them?"

"You're fucking kidding me."

Ino poked at his mouth with a fork. "Come on, just a little touch."

"Only if you use your tongue."

She laughed. He noticed that she did that more and more around him.

"So, did you leave a beautiful tunafish girl back in Mist or something?"

Suigetsu took away her fork. "Very funny. And no, Orochimaru sorta just grabbed me and took off. No time to bring the Missus."

The haze of whiskey, dim lighting, and jukebox soft rock cleared a little as she really looked at him with those big, blue eyes. Suigetsu sort of regretted saying that, knowing all too well what would come next.

"Well, at least now I don't have to worry about competition," she said, pulling his whiskey glass toward her and taking a sip.

People laughed and talked all around them. Some danced to the music, others drank to their hearts' content with friends and lovers. Ino sat across from Suigetsu, content to forego the surrounding merriment to share 2 am bar food and cheap alcohol.

"I dunno," he said. "I got my eye on a sockeye salmon I saw on the menu."

She grabbed a plastic knife and brandished it at him. "I'll fight her to the death!"

He fanned himself and began to sweat. "Oh good golly gosh, my knight in shining armor!" he said in a terrible hight-pitched voice.

"Girls do _not _sound like that."

"I feel faint!"

"Suigetsu, I'm going to throw this drink in your face."

"Goodbye cruel world~"

She downed the rest of the whiskey and chucked a hunk of ice at his face, which got stuck when he liquefied himself.

"Fuck, that's freezing! Goddamnit, Ino, what the _fuck_."

She laughed and laughed, and he couldn't help but laugh with her.

* * *

She cried during their first kiss. It had been an accident. The crying and the kiss, incidentally. He'd wanted to know how her Freaky Mind Shit worked, and she'd been feeling under the weather. One thing led to another and she ended up stumbling upon memories Suigetsu did not care to revisit if he could help it. There was a time when he'd wished he could just die, not that anyone would be around to see it happen in that cold, dark basement.

"I-I shouldn't have, I'm so sorry—"

Suigetsu was in shock at how vivid the images had been. He could _feel _the cold on his skin as he floated in that tank. Orochimaru's laughter, the poison that had forced Suigetsu to liquefy so he could travel in pieces. Eleven years old and not a soul in Mist would miss him. Ino's tears made him feel like that dirty little boy again, and he hated it. It was difficult to hold onto these racing thoughts when she hugged him close.

"You were all alone." Her voice cracked as she fought to breathe through tearful tremors. "I'm s-so sorry."

"It's fine."

"It's not fine!" She pulled back and searched his face. "How can you say that?"

When girls cried Suigetsu turned around and walked the other way. Even The Other Dude had his limits with females. They never cried for him, anyway.

"Why're you crying?"

Her eyes were puffy and her cheek felt sticky under his fingers. This wasn't the beautiful, confident woman that turned heads whenever he was out somewhere with her. This was a girl who didn't know how to fix this, and it destroyed her. He didn't understand.

"How can I not? You never did."

Suigetsu was pretty sure that was the moment he decided he loved her. No, it wasn't love. Love was for the Prince Charmings of the world, the Tragic Heroes and the Popular Guys. Suigetsu had always been an extra, a prop relegated to his cold, dark tank until the star showed up to free him one day for a quest that had nothing to do with him. But for a chance under the sun? He'd have been a fool not to take it.

She kissed like high tide, sweeping him away and drowning him until there was nothing but her. In darkness and in light, just her. He tasted her tears and held her up. This wasn't love; it was necessity. Now that he knew her, he couldn't imagine not knowing her. Love came and went, but Suigetsu was sure he'd never let this go. He would never go back to that lonely prison now that he knew what had been waiting on the other side.

* * *

"Admit it."

"No."

"Aw, come on, Fearless Leader. _Admit it."_

"No."

"Pussy."

"I heard that, Suigetsu!" Karin called from the kitchen.

Suigetsu winced. "Hey, who let you in the kitchen, anyway? We're all gonna die, I know it."

Sasuke took a sip of his tea and relaxed in his chair. "I won't admit something that's not true."

Suigetsu grinned and leaned forward across the table on one elbow. "Now you're just deluding yourself."

"I'm sure you know more about delusion than I do."

Suigetsu sighed dramatically. "It's okay, Sasuke. I kinda feel sorry for you, to be honest. Not _your _fault my girlfriend's hotter than yours."

Sasuke set down his tea, face carefully blank. "Like I said: delusional."

"If you two are done talking about how useless you both are without us, let's eat," Ino said, setting down a plate each before Suigetsu and Sasuke.

Karin was right behind her with two more plates for Ino and herself, and the girls took their seats.

Dinner was surprisingly tame. Neither Karin nor Sasuke was a big talker, but as usual Ino and Suigetsu made up for their silence. Dinners had become a monthly ordeal for the four of them, usually with Ino cooking since she was the only one who knew what the hell she was doing in the kitchen.

"What do you think?" Ino asked Suigetsu as he took another bite of food.

"Orgasm in my mouth."

Ino rolled her eyes. "Suigetsu, we have guests~"

"Oh, sorry. Phenomenal sexual intercourse in my mouth."

"Mm," Sasuke said, not bothering to look up.

"Good. Karin really did a great job. You have to give me the recipe," Ino said, turning to her friend.

Suigetsu choked. "What?"

Karin got that smug look she tended to get when she knew she'd caught Suigetsu in a trap, which was pretty much all the time. "I'm _so _glad you liked it, Suigetsu."

Sasuke chuckled.

"I really am gonna die tonight. Ino, you can have my sword when I go. Remember to clean her."

"Oh, I will. Every day, nice and slow," Ino said, slinging an arm around his shoulder and pecking him on the cheek.

"Oh, it's dark! I fear my time is near!"

Ino fanned him with a napkin.

"Sometimes I look at you two and I think fate has a shitty sense of humor," Karin said.

"And leave Karin-chan my porn stash," Suigetsu said, raising a hand to his forehead and leaning his head back in his chair.

"Dumbass."

Sasuke pushed his chair out and stood. "Suigetsu, before you die, let's fight. Unless you're too weak."

Suigetsu brandished a dinner knife at Sasuke. "Dude, I could peel you like a goddamned orange."

Sasuke smirked and made his way outside. The fight was dirty, as they usually were, but hey, Suigetsu had to watch his figure. Ino and Karin cheered from the sidelines, each trying to out-scream the other. Suigetsu was pretty sure Ino shouted for him to go for Sasuke's "girly bangs" at some point. He laughed and it cost him an electrified Kusanagi to the gut.

But it was worth it. Everything had been worth it.

She was worth it. And he was kind of, sort of…happy.


End file.
